I haven’t been a good blogger lately. Actually, I haven’t been a blogger. Period.
It used to be that writing was my life. Writing used to be what kept the bad days at bay.
Lately, though, I sit down to write and stare at a blank page with a blank mind until the anxiety creeps into my chest. I click exit. I don’t press “save draft.”
I have so much to write about. In 2018, I went on adventure after adventure. I spent 10 days in Scotland. I stayed in a haunted castle on my birthday. I met Tommy Wiseau. I went on a literary tour in Berlin. I have so much to write about and yet, when I sit down to write it, self-doubt creeps in like an unwanted visitor and I’m left wondering if I have anything worth saying at all.
I haven’t been a good blogger lately. This is why.
In 2016, my high school sweetheart and my mentor died within a month of each other. In 2017, my dear friend Aaron took his own life. I have been dealing with the backlash of grief for the past two years and it’s not easy. This shouldn’t be an excuse. I have written for other publications and for work. If you saw me in the office last year, you’d most likely not even know that I was grieving. But I’ve felt the scars so deeply ingrained on my heart, and I’ve felt like everything I want to write about on my own blog isn’t good enough if it’s not about overcoming grief. I am so blessed to be living the life that I live and yet. And yet.
Losing three people within a year has often made me feel like I’m drowning. It’s like with them, my lust for putting words to paper died. It’s been three years and the wounds are still fresh.
This shouldn’t be an excuse. And in 2019, I am going to work towards making sure it won’t be. I know that Nick and Aaron and Robin wouldn’t want me to put what they believed in most about me on hold just because they’re gone.
I know that putting your passions on hold is not how you successfully live life.
This year, I’m seeking therapy and seeking new adventures so that I can find that love for words again. I’m going to be the blogger I know that I can be. I’m not going to let mental illness win.
I hope that all of you who have followed me over the years are still around. I hope you can forgive me for being a bad blogger.
I hope you know that I’m sorry for being gone but I appreciate you all for staying.
I’m back. I hope you’re ready for what’s to come.